I Thought I Was Prepared

I always wanted to be a mom.

I married young, finished my undergraduate degree, and then decided to start a family while working on my graduate degree. Having a family was incredibly important to me, and I was lucky enough to get pregnant easily.

I was beyond excited. I read all the books, did all the planning. I wanted a natural birth, didn’t find out the gender, and that big baby boy surprised me a few days early.

Then, the terror set in.

I loved him so much, beyond imagining, and that was horrifying. The thought of anything happening to this person I loved more than anyone in existence filled me with dread.

The Weight of New Motherhood

The newborn phase was not a joy for me. I put on a brave face and was a good mom, but I was overwhelmed and felt the weight of total dependence on me deep in my bones.

We got through it. He was smart and funny and full of life. He still is.

Less than two years later, the pregnancy amnesia kicked in, and we decided to have our second baby.

The Identity Blur

I worried we were ruining our perfect, happy family. I think that’s common when expecting a second. You’ve figured out a rhythm, and what’s that saying? If it ain’t broke…

Of course, I already had a healthy case of mom guilt before getting pregnant, but now it was out of control. I was happily surprised to have another boy, and as my new little cutie took up so much of my time, I felt awful that our older son was having to share my attention and affection.

But again, we got through it. He turned out to be an incredibly patient and loving big brother. I wouldn’t change a thing, but it’s rough when you’re in it.

The Choices We Carry

I wanted a third (my husband didn’t), and I almost had him convinced when my mom got sick. I knew it didn’t make sense to add the stress of pregnancy on top of everything else.

By the time I felt emotionally ready to have another baby without my parents, it felt too late for our family. Our boys were best friends. I couldn’t picture adding a new baby without someone feeling left out.

Even now, that thought can still bring tears to my eyes.

There are so many different versions of this story. Different kinds of families. Different kinds of loss.

A Gentle Reminder

But one thing holds true: nothing can fully prepare you for parenthood.

And in the middle of all the love and guilt and change, it’s easy to forget something important.

You are still you.

The one who laughed with friends. The one who stayed up too late dreaming big dreams. The one who used to move through the world without always carrying someone else’s needs.

That person is still in there, though not exactly the same.

Every experience brings growth. Every transition shapes us. You’re not who you were, but the essence of you remains.

The person before kids and the one who’s living your life now have both earned a seat at the table.

Reflection Question: What part of you are you rediscovering now?

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