When You Become the Parent

When my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer, my world turned upside down. I found myself stepping into a role I never expected so soon.

It was subtle at first, helping with appointments, asking the questions they didn’t or couldn’t. And then it became more: caretaking, advocating, carrying the weight of decisions I didn’t feel ready to make, embodying strength at all costs, protecting her peace.

There’s a strange grief in that role reversal, when the people who once looked out for you now need you to look out for them. You want to be strong, but inside you still feel like their child.

Too Young, Too Soon

And then, too quickly, I lost both of them. I was only thirty. Too young to say goodbye and lose the people who loved me more than anyone else did. Too old to be an orphan, but that’s exactly what my brother and I felt. The people who loved us unconditionally were gone.

I was grieving for my kids too. My parents had longed to be the grandparents mine never were. I hadn’t imagined this part of my life without them, and I lost the promise of them being there for milestones, for advice, for the garden days my mom always dreamed of.

The Loneliness of Grief

At the time, I didn’t know many people who had lost their parents or even stepped into the role of caretaker. I was so young, and I didn’t have many places to share what I was going through. The grief groups were filled with widows and widowers, and I rarely spoke up.

It’s only in more recent years that I’ve been around more people who understand, people who are just beginning to face what we went through nearly two decades ago. It reminds me that these seasons come for all of us eventually, maybe not at the same time or the same way, but the process of grief is the same.

A Gentle Reminder

Whether you’re in the midst of caretaking or bracing for that shift, please know this: the mix of love, exhaustion, and grief you feel is real, and you don’t have to pretend it isn’t hard.

You are not alone in this.

Reflection Question: What has caring for (or saying goodbye to) your parents taught you about yourself?

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