Responding Instead of Absorbing
There are moments when someone you care about is upset: a partner, a friend, a family member, and before you realize it, their emotion has become yours.
It starts small. A heaviness or tightness in your chest, a sense of resistance or overwhelm creeping in. If it’s intense, maybe even a tension in your gut or a flicker of anxiety.
You want to help. You want to listen with empathy. But somewhere along the way, you begin to carry their feelings as if they were your own.
I’ve done that more times than I can count.
My pleaser trait often tells me that being empathetic means taking on someone else’s pain. That saying “no” or holding space without offering solutions might make me seem cold.
But when I step back from the emotion of the moment, I can see clearly that absorbing other people’s feelings doesn’t actually help them.
It just drains me and often amplifies the stress for both of us.
Caring Doesn’t Mean Carrying
Negative emotions are contagious. Think of how often we meet someone’s negativity with our own reactivity.
Their anxiety triggers our worry.
Their anger triggers our defensiveness.
Their sadness stirs our guilt.
Before long, no one is grounded enough to bring calm to the situation.
At some point, we have to shift from absorbing to responding. Caring doesn’t mean carrying.
We can respond with empathy without taking on what isn’t ours to hold.
Three Ways to Practice the Difference
The Ownership Check
When you notice that familiar heaviness or tension, pause and quietly ask yourself:
Whose feeling is this?
If it’s theirs, not yours, imagine gently placing it back in their hands. Trust that they can carry it themselves.The Self-Command Breath
Before responding, take a few seconds to reconnect with your body.
Feel your feet on the ground. Take a deep breath. Rub two fingertips together and really notice the fingertip ridges.
These tiny sensory pauses, known as PQ Reps in Positive Intelligence, allow a physical reset that quiets the stress response and brings you back to calm awareness before you speak.The Return
As the conversation comes to a close, take a moment to notice if you’re still holding what they shared.
If so, imagine setting it down, as if it’s a ball you’re rolling back to them.
You might even say to yourself, This is theirs to work through, and I trust them to find their way.
Compassion doesn’t require exhaustion. When we stop absorbing, we create calmer connections, full of trust and respect.
We can model steadiness, and that steadiness is contagious in the best way.
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Reflection Question: What helps you stay grounded when heightened emotions are shared with you?
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