A couple of weeks ago in my conflict management course, I asked everyone to choose a conflict and work through it. One group chose whether they should arrive to my class on time or late. 😊 As far as I could tell, four people wanted to be on time and one wanted to arrive late, but they all wanted to stay together as a group.
It ended up being a really useful example of the difference between a position and an interest. A position is what you say you want. The interest is why it matters to you. They could tell me their positions very clearly, but I still didn’t know why being on time mattered, why being late mattered, or why it was so important that all five of them arrive together.
That’s where conflict can start going in circles. We keep repeating what we want and trying to convince the other person, sometimes before we really understand what problem we’re trying to solve.
Ask Why Before You Solve It
The exploration is easy to skip because we naturally want to resolve the conflict. Before jumping to a solution, ask why. Why is that important to you? What is the impact to you? You may need to dig a little more before you understand what is really behind the position.
Once you know that, you have more options. Maybe you find some common ground you couldn’t see before, or maybe you still disagree, but at least you’re talking about the real issue instead of arguing about the surface one.
💛
Reflection Question: Is there a conflict in your life where you know what the other person wants, but you’re not sure you understand why it matters to them?
✨ If this spoke to you, I’d love for you to subscribe to my blog or connect with me on LinkedIn. And if conflict tends to get stuck at the surface level, coaching can help you slow things down, understand what’s really driving the disagreement, and respond more thoughtfully.
